The Relevant Dad Guide to Breastfeeding

Vert Hu, Vert Hu, Vert Hu, Vert Hu. For the past 5 months, my white noise machine has been a breast pump. I drift to sleep at the “new parent” hour of 9-9:30 to the sound of my wife sitting in bed next to me, making food for our daughter. I hope my daughter appreciates it because my wife loathes pumping and me? Yeah, I hate it too. I want my wife back. I also want my wife’s boobs back. Hell, she wants her boobs back. Breastfeeding is one of the greatest gifts a mother can give her child.  But let’s be honest, it also really sucks.

We didn’t go into this thinking that breastfeeding was a serious option. The general sentiment was, “No way, it creeps me out a little…” and “They are my boobs, I don’t want to give them up like that, maybe it’s selfish but…”. Then the research happened. “Well, ok. Ok… *sigh*, ok. Well, I mean. Shit. I guess it’s probably better, who am I to deny our kid that? Right?” Right. 

Here is our first bit of advice for dads-to-be. Talk about it. Sit down before you try to get pregnant, sit down while you are pregnant, sit down while you are really, really pregnant and talk things over. Your wife needs that and you need that. Seriously, she needs someone other than her sister or mother to talk to about this. She needs to talk through this whole your-body-is-not-your-own thing. This is the same girl who has been doing that crazy self-conscious bra trick where it suddenly comes unhooked and is pulled out an arm hole in her American Apparel tee shirt.  Pretty soon her boobs (or talk thereof) are about to be out in the world a lot, and everyone will be talking about them in one form or another.

People love to talk about breastfeeding ad nauseam. “Are you breastfeeding?” “How much are you producing?” “Are you eating lactation cookies?” “What does it feel like?” “Can you not do that in front of me?” Yeah, that last one will make you want to flip on someone around month 4 when your kid is near hysterics. Sorry, but she’s eating NOW. Maybe you are thinking “Awesome sauce, I love tits, this will be great.” Of course you love them, it’s partly how you became a dad in the first place. Trust us, breastfeeding can get old real fast. Yes, it’s beautiful and it’s wonderful and the most peaceful, idyllic moments of young parenthood come when there is a good latch, everything is quiet in your house, and your wife is nourishing your child. But other times?  It can suck.

For us, breastfeeding was a horrible, emotional, and painful process. It started the night our daughter was born via emergency C-section. She latched, but it just didn’t seem like anything was happening. Then came the chapping, the chaffing, the crying, the “I can’t do this!”, the “What the fuck is wrong with my body?” “What is wrong with ME?”. We just sat there in the middle of the night exhausted and angry that what should be so natural, just… wasn’t. The frustration continued but grew to include our daughter. She was trying so hard to find the liquid gold that we joked she looked like rabid vampire. It was amusing for like, a second, but then the reality hit. We were not making enough milk for our baby. I still say “we” because we were a team, but truly and horribly, this burden was all my wife’s to carry. I tried to help, but there is no way we men can console a woman who is devastated she is just not producing what her child needs.

We quickly supplemented with formula since our little one had lost 11% of her body weight. In that decision, we could have said goodbye to the breast for good, but we talked and decided to persevere. My wife, the champion, has this competitive edge to her that would not let her quit, so we found a lactation consultant we connected with. This was one of the best decisions we’ve ever made. Our consultant took the time to work with us as a family, and eventually, we found our way to what worked. Breastfeeding never measured up to what we had imagined in the bliss of pregnancy, but perhaps more importantly, we discovered what worked best for us.

That is our great advice for those just starting their breastfeeding journey. Find out what works for you and stick with it.  Own it.  Love it. No family is alike. You may do 50% formula, 50% breastfeeding. Perfect. Don’t let anyone tell you otherwise. You may find that pumping 100% of the time works best. Good on you. Run with that. That is your choice and it’s the best one you can make. The breast vs. formula battle is a shit show and totally unnecessary. Every situation is different and if anyone makes you feel otherwise, tell them to piss off. When writing this piece I took a quick poll of other dads in the office. Over 75% of them had similar stories to ours. You see? Every family is different, and every family is rocking it.

Feeding your baby is a struggle no matter what route choose. After 6 months of nourishing our daughter, my wife says, “I still feel inadequate. I question what I am doing every day. Why is my baby not satisfied, why does she pull off and stare at the dogs, why am I still not making enough? Am I selfish to want to quit this every day? Why do I only produce 1oz in 30 minutes when the other moms in my office can do 6oz in half that time? It’s a deeply personal struggle that just wrecks my self-esteem.” My wife also recently said, “this journey has been so hard and unrewarding, but I am proud of it. It’s ours and we have done an amazing job given the circumstances.” Yes, you have. It is a beautiful thing she is doing for our daughter and for us as a family.

Vert Hu, Vert Hu, Vert Hu, Vert Hu. We leave you with some simple rules to follow when you embark on this breastfeeding journey.

  1. Never tell your wife “Well, you are not the only woman who…” Nope. Nope. Nope. Stop right there, brah. Right now, in this moment, when she is emotionally drained, yes, yes she is the only damn woman in all of history who is going through this. She could give a shit about the rest of them. In that moment it’s all about her. Embrace it.
  2. Grab her some Lansinoh Lanolin cream and some Soothies long before your labor and stash them in your go-bag. When her nipples are fire and she is choking back tears in the hospital, give them to her and she will thank you forever. Really, 6 months later my wife still talks about it. Pro-tip: put them in the fridge.
  3. Do what is best for your family. You have a family now! How great is that? Just do what is best for you. It’s simple.
  4. Have your lactation consultant picked out before you even go into labor. This will be a crucial relationship in the early days of breastfeeding. These amazing women can turn a nightmarish experience into tranquility in a matter of minutes.
  5. Buy her some sexy nursing bras. She might laugh at first but after 3 months in a beige nursing bra that looks like it belongs on a granny in the YMCA locker room, she will be overjoyed she has it. (So will you.)
  6. Thank her for what she is doing. Your kid can’t, but you can and you should every day. Flowers from time to time won’t hurt either.
  7. Most insurance plans cover at least some model of breast pump. Do the homework for her so it’s one less thing she has to worry about.
  8. Get up and help whenever you can. It may not be easy, but solidarity at 3am goes a long way.

CAMPING WEEK: The Essential Checklists

Forgetful: No. Prepared: Yes. A checklist is the easiest way to make sure (at the very least) you can get to your campground, have everything you need, and maybe even have some fun and relax. Here is a list of lists we’ve compiled to make your trip a bit easier, and also have the choice of who you want to listen to.

Instructables: HERE

Pro Camping Store One: HERE

A Super Long one: HERE

Wild Card HERE

BONUS: Bear Grylls Survival Kit

Amazon Originals Kids Pilots

When it comes to watching TV, our kids have a hell of a lot of options compared to when we were growing up. But with all the shows to choose from we find it funny when our kids ask to watch the same programs over and over again. I mean, I like Curious George as much as the next relevant dad, but variety is the spice of life, kid. Let’s shake it up a little. As you know, Amazon Prime Instant Video has knocked it out of the park with their original kids shows including the multi-Emmy winning Tumble Leaf (which we’ve raved about) and one of my household’s favorites, Creative Galaxy. Well, Amazon has just released another six pilots for kids shows, all available to stream now and vote which ones you think deserve to get greenlit for full seasons. Four of the six are animated while the other two are live action. Opposed to their existing kids shows which tended to lean preschool-oriented, five of the six new shows are geared more towards the ages 6-11 demographic. So if you’re forced indoors over the next couple of weeks and feel like the kids have earned their screen time, check them out for yourself here. (Lost in Oz FTW)

RAIN GEAR: Hunter Wellies

Rain boots have a pretty bad rap with kids. So why not give them a pair that they would like to be seen in? Hunter boots provide an equal balance between the functional wetness protection you desire and fresh look your kid desires. Or vise-versa… #fathering

Tumble Leaf

The American Flag

Happy 4th of July everyone. We hope you are enjoying the day with your family and friends. When we think of the American Flag we think of THE makers of the best American flags. Grace Alley is an American tradition and you should own one for your home. Happy Independence Day you all.

Eight Must Drink Beers for Summer

Hey there, welcome to your 30’s. You have a kid, maybe two or three, a house now, and your coffee table is littered with action figures and Lego blocks, not pizza boxes and swimsuit issues. You work hard and play hard and by play hard we mean you rock those tea parties with your daughter every Saturday afternoon. So this summer when you are sitting out under the beating sun don’t you deserve a beer a little more drinkable than a Bud…uh, we mean America? Here are Eight Must Drink Beers for Summer to hold you over until those Oktoberfest releases at the start of football season.

The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose – Made by Anderson Valley Brewing Company

You’ve been working in the yard all afternoon and the sweat is dripping from your brow when you pour The Kimmie, The Yink, & The Holy Gose into a cold glass. Simply heaven on earth. This Gose features “woody undertone”, lemon zest and hints of tropical fruits. “Flavors of guava and peach are followed by a slight sea salt dryness and lemon sourness that is enhanced by coriander and post-fermentation additions of salt.”

Allagash White – Made by Allagash Brewing Company

While this wheat is available all year around, in our opinion it’s best enjoyed on your stoop or deck at the end of a long Summer afternoon of chasing the kids around. Don’t let its cloudy appearance dampen your mood. Notes of coriander and orange peel will brighten your day. Protip from Relevant Dad’s Beer Advisor Kevin from Western Mass, “Buy a Lindemans Raspberry Framboise and pour into ice cube trays to freeze. Drop cubes into Allagash White. /mic drop”

All Day IPA – Made by Founders Brewing Company

“The perfect reward for an honest day’s work and the ultimate companion to celebrate life’s simple pleasures.” While we agree with Founders that this IPA is great to celebrate life’s simple pleasures we think that it can also be enjoyed after a less-than-honest day’s work. Hey, boss, we get summer hours, right? Can’t blame us if we take a two-hour lunch or cut out at 3:45 for the tee ball game! Enjoy it no matter how you make that money.

Stone Enjoy By IPA (series) – Made by Stone Brewing Company

Chances are you never check the sell by or enjoy by date on the beers you keep in the back of your fridge behind the Go→Gurt box. Stone brewing has solved that problem with their constantly updating Enjoy By IPA series. The optimal date for you to enjoy the beer by is printed on the label but it would be a shock to us if you can keep yourself from drinking them anywhere close to that date. The next release (as of writing this) is 5/30/16 for an “Enjoy By” 7/4/16. Summer will be in full swing and so should your IPA game.

Luponic Distortion – Made by Firestone Walker Brewing Co.

Did someone say they were experimenting with 6 different types of hops? We’re in. Each new release will be different than the last. Over Memorial Day, our taste testers (yeah, we have taste testers) tried Luponic Distortion and reported back that  “it’s citrusy finish really kicked off the Summer season with a bang.” Their quote not ours.

Tribute Double IPAMade by 14th Star Brewing Co.

What more can one want from a double IPA than a dry finish with a citrusy hops flavor and a smell to die for? 14th Star Brewing Co. (way up in St. Albans, VT) is the end of a perfect road trip destination if you should find yourself in New England this Summer.

Cucumber KolschMade by Flat12 Bierwerks

We can all agree that the Germans know how to make a good beer, right? Flat 12 has taken the German style Kolsch and infused it with a summer staple, the cucumber. The results are as refreshing as it sounds. While your significant other is lying in the sun with cucumber slices over their eyes you can be drinking a cucumber Kolsch instead. “Pours a deep gold color. Smooth drinkability and super-refreshing finish from an infusion of cucumber.”

TropicaliaMade by Creature Comforts Brewing Company

“A balanced, soft and juicy IPA.” Made down south in Athens, GA, Tropicalia is a perfect hazy summer afternoon beer. We think it would be best enjoyed on a lazy tube ride down a local river but we won’t judge if you drink it elsewhere. In fact, we’d like to join you.

Disney Dads – Worst to First

14. The Sultan – Aladdin Hands down the worst dad represented in the Disney universe, right? From the awe-shucks bumbling idiot routine to trying to marry off his teenage daughter into an arranged marriage this guy really isn’t doing dads any favors. He is the establishment and Jasmine can do better, you know what we mean?

13. Chief Powhatan – Pocahontas We have a huge uptick in quality of dad between 14 & 13 here. Powhatan isn’t that bad, right? Aside from being a bit too much like The Sultan and trying to marry off his daughter to a bad match, he has most of his kid’s best interests at heart. Points off for trying to kill off John Smith, though. Take a breath daddy! Can’t you see she loves him?

12. The King of Arendelle – Frozen The #1 reason your kids are screaming the lyrics to “Let It Go” over and over is that The King was a bit of a jerk to Elsa. The trolls make it pretty clear what to do but the King must have been too busy refreshing his Twitter feed to pay any attention. So his plan is to shut her off from the rest of the kingdom and tell her to bury her emotions? No chill, man. No chill.

11. King Fergus – Brave Fergus, all in all, is a pretty good dad. We only see his grumpy side when his three boys are all up in his grill and, really, what dad wouldn’t get annoyed at three wild boys running amok? While he isn’t shipping off Merida into an arranged marriage, he did tell everyone that no boy would be good enough for her. Enough with that. Let her make her romantic choices down the road, dad. Also, let’s tone down the fighting a wee bit, shall we Fergy?

10. King Triton – The Little Mermaid Like father like daughter does not always a happy family make. Both are so stubborn and strong-willed that they constantly are clashing. Add on her affinity for humans and his xenophobia towards them and we have the set up for a disastrous relationship. Maybe Triton should be a couple of places higher on our list but he really redeems himself at the end of the movie with the whole rainbow over the boat bit. So progressive of him.

9. Geppetto – Pinocchio How great is the moment that Geppetto realizes that Pinocchio is alive? We have all had that same exact moment when our own kids arrive into our world and everything changes all at once. Geppetto is a pretty great dad, going to great lengths to find his lost son. If only we all had a Blue Fairy for when tough times hit.

8. Pongo – 101 Dalmatians Pongo makes the top ten based on his patience alone. He is the dad to 99 kids (insert Jay-Z joke here). We have trouble with 1 or 2 but this guy deals with nearly 100! Throughout it all, he keeps his composure and saves his family from becoming fur coats. Can we talk about how morbid this storyline is btw?

7. James – The Princess and the Frog We don’t get a lot of James in the movie but he proves that even in his absence he can be a relevant dad. Like many fathers, he has lofty dreams for his daughter and his family but does not get to realize them. The great moral we can learn from James is that even if you don’t always get what you want, take comfort in the things you need and love.

6. Bob Parr (Mr. Incredible) – The Incredibles The gif above could be a live look into RD HQ. Bob is an everyman, just punching the keys for a paycheck while dreaming of saving the world and doing incredible things. While he loses himself a bit along the way, in the end, Bob is a great dad because he realizes that no matter how great his powers his best adventure in life is his family. We can all relate to that.

5. Fa Zhou – Mulan Fa Zhou is one of our favorite Disney Dads. While he is a bit of a jerk to Mulan he totally redeems himself in the final act when he comforts her after her battle loss. She comes to him thinking that she has brought him shame and dishonor but this boss just tells his little girl, “the greatest gift and honor is having you for a daughter.” Sniff.

4. Maurice – Beauty and the Beast Oh Maurice, you lovable huggable old goof. How do you not love this dad? He’s wacky (aren’t we all) and unintentionally humorous. He invents to better his life and his daughter’s prospects, and although he has a horrible sense of direction he means well. We really just want to see a Maurice/Mrs. Potts spinoff, amirite?

3. Mufasa – The Lion King Mufasa is one of the best dads in the Disney catalog and he is one of the best dads portrayed on film period. His short time in The Lion King gives us so many teachable moments, from explaining how to treat all living things with respect to how to be brave without being reckless. His death was for many millennials was a seminal moment in our lives and one of the iconic moments in cinema.

2. Marlin – Finding Nemo The ultimate Disney dad is Marlin, hands down. Sure he is overprotective and his jokes are classic #dadjokes but we love him for it. We all know a dad like Marlin, overprotective, a little bit shy, nervous and they tend to overthink everything. No matter how overprotective he is Marlin’s epic journey to find his lost son is inspiring. He overcomes his own fears and insecurities because at the end of the day he loves his son and that is the most important thing in the world to him. We all have to overcome some fear to be a dad, right?

1. Elias Disney – Father To Walt Disney Elias failed at most everything he did in life, from gold rusher, farmer, railroad man, newspaper man, mailman he skipped through zip codes and job across America with his family never finding entrepreneurial success. But he sure showed his family an adventure along the way. His aspirational gene wore off onto his son Walt and although Elias didn’t understand Walt’s art, one would have to think in the end he accepted it. Our fathers shape who we are for better or worse. Elias was strict, hard-working, and had a rigid belief system on religion and politics but all of these traits shaped Walt into the man he became. For that, we and our kids have to be thankful.

Reuters TV App Brings the News to You

Dads are busy. Dads want to know everything. Dads have short attention spans. This is why dads need the new Reuters TV app in their life. Reuters has been one of the most trusted names in News for decades (160 years, in fact) and their new app is kind of a game changer. Imagine you’re a producer of a nightly news program deciding which pieces to air and in what order. It’s kind of like that. Content is frequently updated throughout the day so your personalized program evolves as news breaks. You can even set the program length from 5 to 30 minutes depending on how much time you have, skip the stories you don’t want to watch, live-stream events, and download programs for when you’re offline. Did we mention the slick-as-hell interface? Well, it has a slick-as-hell interface and works on all iOS devices including the new Apple TV. Perfect for cord cutters, busybodies always on-the-go and progressives tired of the 24-hour news cycle but still want to keep up with news. Yeah, you need this app.

The Definitive 2016 Father’s Day Gift Guide

Look, we’ve already got everything we need. And if you’ve got a healthy family you do, too. But there’s still stuff that we wouldn’t mind being gifted with this Father’s Day so we rounded up 50 items and put together this handy gift guide for all the people who say we’re too hard to buy for. Check it out.

SWIZA Swiss Pocket Knife ($40) Every man needs a decent pocket knife in their every day carry.

Voices in the Night by Steven Millhauser ($10) We don’t have enough time to read novels anymore. Short story collections are the way to go and this is the latest from the Pulitzer and Story Prize winner that we want to dive into.

Weezer – The White Album on White Vinyl ($20) Because it’s their best album since Pinkerton–which was 20 years ago (we’re so old!)–and we really don’t want to miss the chance to get “The White Album” on white vinyl.

Ray Super Remote ($250) We love tech. We hate remotes. This is the most intelligent universal remote ever made.

Tickets to a taping of Last Week Tonight with John Oliver (Info) Who would have thought that that guy from The Daily Show would go on to become our most trusted voice in newsertainment.

24 Hours to Binge-Watch Netflix – The last time we were laid up post-surgery there was an unexpected silver lining – sitting on our ass and binge-watching Netflix without judgement. We want a day of that again, please.

Beard Buddy Beard Wash ($24) We’ve read the news stories about beards being filled with more germs than a public toilet seat but, damnit, we’re not shaving it.

Overlook Hotel Socks by Sockaholic ($9) When The Shining is your all-time favorite movie, you tell the world subtly with socks that copy the design from the Overlook Hotel’s carpet.

Le Slip Francais Marius Boxer Breifs ($39) To be honest, we’d much rather see our wives spend the money on something sexy for her but the fact of the matter is we hate spending money on essentials like underwear for ourselves and we’ve been wearing the same boxers for 10 years.

Nike Roshe Flyknit in Wolf Grey ($120) Like wearing sweatpants on your feet, these are the most comfortable shoes ever made.

Meow the Jewels Two Catz T Shirt ($28) Father’s Day is the perfect time to upgrade or add to dad’s t shirt collection.

ICONSPEAK World Traveller Tee ($33) We travel a lot and this handy tee allows you to communicate with the locals by simply pointing at icons when you can’t speak the local language.

Travel Backpack with Integrated Suiter ($168) Speaking of travel, this backpack is perfect for overnight trips where one half of the trip requires a suit but you still want to travel light.

Everlane Swim Short ($45) There’s another “suit” we could use, too.

Switchboard Coat Rack ($65) Functional and beautiful to look at. Plus it will help our office stay tidy.

Iconic Architecture Card Game ($12) Consider this an aid in our quest to know absolutely everything about anything.

A visit to the Philip Johnson Glass House in New Canaan, CT (Info) It’s within driving distance and annoying that we still haven’t visited it yet.

Tacos: Recipes and Provocations ($22) Whether you treat it as a cookbook or food porn, we’re already drooling just thinking about it.

Prepd Lunch Box ($55)  Cold packs are dorky, paper bags feel juvenile and tote bags don’t handle spills well. We just want to take lunch to work like a man. We’ll settle for a pre-order on this one, no problem.

Theo Coffee Maker by Francis Cayouette for Stelton ($70) Coffee as art. And pour-overs are our go-to right now.

Hefeweizen Bread & Butter Pickles ($12) Yes, we would like a jar of beer-infused pickles for Father’s Day. Don’t judge.

Pure Fix Roosevelt Bike ($500) Okay, we don’t expect anyone to drop this much on us but a man can dream, right?

Osprey Packs Poco Plus Child Carrier ($200) It’s the most comfortable carrier on the market which means dad doesn’t mind the extra weight which also means mom’s happy she doesn’t have to take turns wearing it. What we’re really saying is that it’s a gift for the whole family thereby justifying the high-ticket expense (BOOM).

Loop ($250) We’d like a nice digital picture frame to sync our photos of all those journeys, too.

Putin Riding on a Bear Action Figure ($70) There is really no reason to own this (or for it to exist, for that matter) but it would look hilarious on our desk next to our Iggy Pop action figure. (Note to self: Time to draw the line at two bare-chested men on your desk).

RSS Boaty McBoatface Tee ($27) Sure, this shirt will only be relevant for another month but how great will we look at the 4th of July BBQ, right? …Right?

Weekend at one of L.L. Bean’s Outdoor Discovery Schools (Info) It’s been awhile since we’ve had an adventure. Don’t worry honey, the guides from L.L. Bean will keep us safe.

L.L. Bean Signature Textured Knit Polo ($59) An old Summertime classic. We deserve an outfit upgrade.

Talisker Storm ($55) The bottle of Scotch you got him for the last milestone birthday is almost gone, time for a new one.

Cuppow Glass Wide Mouth Travel Mug ($25) Who is that cool guy drinking coffee on the train. That’s right.

Rocking Fatherhood: A Dad-to-Be’s Guide To Staying Cool by Chris Kornelis ($11) The forward is penned by Duff McKagan. Need we say more?

Pizza Grilling Crate ($90) Because we are tired of always doing BBQ chicken or burgers. Let us try something new. Also, pizza.

2nd Generation Boosted Board ($1,000) We can’t stop thinking about how cool these are since watching Casey Neistat’s latest vlog.

Barebones Living Canyon Lantern ($50) For that mid-Summer backyard camping trip we want to take with the kids.

Master Vintner Wine Making Equipment Starter Kit ($155) Sure this will probably end horribly undrinkable but if it doesn’t think of the amazing wine we could have at Thanksgiving.

Meural ($445) The future of your living room wall begins right here.

The Sun & The Moon & The Rolling Stones by Rich Cohen ($22) This will be the book we fall asleep reading in the lawn chair this June.

24 hours to act like we are 24 years old again – Read this, then you will understand.

LTHR T1 Watch ($200) These watches are made in New England and have been on our radar for a long time now. It’s probably time we owned one.

New Art for Our Office/Cubicle Wall – Tell the kids to get the art box out. We want the best damn finger painted masterpiece to show off to all our work buddies.

Mixers for Our Sad Home Bar – Such as Gosling’s Ginger Beer ($31), Simple Syrup by Monin (4 for $32), Hansen’s Club Soda ($15), Q Drinks Tonic Water ($4), & Bitters Variety Pack ($25). These are the things we never remember to buy ourselves but wish we have them when the father in law stops over to play with the kids.

Sorry I’m Late, I Didn’t Want To Come Tee ($28) Hey, it’s the truth isn’t it?

Sunglasses Made from Atlantic Vinyl Records by Shwood ($159) Maybe the coolest sunglasses available right now. You can almost hear Crosby, Stills & Nash spinning in them.

Go to your local liquor store and ask them to suggest a good bottle of Bourbon. Surprise us. We love trying new things.

Spikeball ($60) The hit game from last Summer will surly be the hit game of this Summer, too. Let’s grab the kids and play.

Wurkin Stiffs Silicone Dopp Kit ($50) The leather one we have is super hard to clean out. This will solve that problem. It also looks pretty cool.

Pop Culture Rocks Glasses from Pop Chart Labs ($20) At he end of the day when the kids are asleep and we can finally put our feet up and watch the latest episode of The Americans, there is nothing better than holding onto a half-full rocks glass.

Menu Beer Foamer ($14) Apparently we have been drinking our beer at home all wrong for years and years.

Leff Amsterdam Alarm Clock ($75) We’re adults now. It’s time to class up the night stand.

Champagne Saber ($150) Oh, c’mon! Just let me try it once! Just have the hospital on speed dial.