Thinking of Making A Baby? Get A Puppy First

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Our dog turned 9 years old today, a far cry from the puppy he used to be.  These days, he lays around putting up with the constant squeals of adoration from a 16-month-old toddler who just loves him to death. And he loves her. In his advancing years, he’s found a friend who will feed him from the table, snuggle with him, share (sometimes unwillingly) toys, and above all, keep him active. It struck me as I was changing the second dirty diaper of the morning that having a baby is exactly like having a puppy.  Actually, thanks to insurance the whole bringing home a baby deal was cheaper than the adopting a dog deal. Thanks Obama! So, for you younger Millennials who are not sure about that whole ‘having a baby’ thing…get a puppy first. It’s exactly the same.

Here’s how:

  1. From the moment you bring that new bundle of joy into your home, it needs non-stop attention.
  2. It pees everywhere.
  3. It poops a lot and you have to clean it up.
  4. 1,2,3 maybe even 4 times a night you will be awoken because it needs to eat, or play, or cry or poop. Did I mention poop?
  5. No, really. You actually have to wipe sh*t from the floor… if you haven’t stepped in it first.
  6. Random people will stop by your house to see the cute new addition to your family.
  7. Everything you Google will start with “Is it okay if my ____ ate…”
  8. Your budget will take a serious hit, for like the rest of your life.
  9. They want to be held. All. The. Time.
  10. If you put them down they will just knock over your glass of water. Okay, your glass of wine, they will knock over your glass of wine.
  11. You and your wife will become great at making deals. “I cleaned up their mess last night, so now it’s your turn.” “Yes, but, I need to make them breakfast so you have to clean them up.” “Right.”
  12. You spend a lot of energy trying to get them to crap in the appropriate place.
  13. When you take their stuffie away it’s literally the end of the world.
  14. At some point, you give in and they will sleep in bed with you. Then, you will never get them out.
  15. You can entertain them for hours by showing them videos of animals on YouTube.
  16. They will cry when their toy rolls under the couch, and then once you retrieve it they will do it again because now it’s a fun game. Don’t create fun games. That is a parenting rule.
  17. If Mom says “no” they sneak off to Dad. He always says “yes”. Until mom tells him to say “no”…then, then he says “no”.
  18. They will become overconfident in their couch climbing abilities and end up in a heap under the coffee table crying.
  19. Thunderstorms are the devil.
  20. After a minute or an hour, maybe a day, you won’t be able to imagine life without them. Love for them is unconditional. Even if they break all your stuff, poop on the floor, eat everything you own, scare you to death, keep you awake  for hours at night, won’t listen, demand unlimited attention and effort and drive you f*cking crazy. You love them so damn much.

If you can handle raising a puppy into a dog then sure go ahead and have that baby. Soon they will become a toddler and that kid and your dog will become best friends. What’s better than a house full of love?

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